We all have fears that control us. No matter how hard we try to control our fears, in the end they guide our every action, often without us even realizing. My two biggest fears are no doubt shared by many. These are the fears that will not let go. The fears that you know would break you even though you have lived through many horrible incidents. My two biggest fears: that my son would die before me and the second is that I would become homeless.

     I had very little control over keeping my son alive other than the safeties all parents put in place. The alternative was too difficult to contemplate, so I tucked that one in the back of my consciousness and took complete control over my work life so that I could attempt to keep my homelessness fear from becoming a reality.

     On the outside, this gives the image of a workaholic, hype-focused, highly ambitious person. The inside is the fear-based, anxiety ridden and highly controlled reality. 

     In an attempt to have more freedom from the chains of fear, I followed some Facebook pages that interview unhoused folks who talk about what happened that landed them harshly and unforgivably on their respective city streets. I was hoping I would be able to say, “Oh, well that won’t happen to me because I have marketable skills.” Or maybe, “Well, that won’t happen to me because I have a great resume.” Let me tell you how that didn’t work for me and further enslaved me to my fear.

     A lady with kind eyes explained how she and her daughter were living in her car. She had a Master’s Degree in Human Resources and worked for a non-profit organization. As everyone in non-profit knows, they do not pay well. These positions take advantage of the people who care enough to put themselves in these difficult jobs because of their dedication. Having the satisfaction of helping some folks, by no means the majority, is supposed to be compensation that replaces a fair wage. She mentioned that she didn’t earn enough and then when she tried to find another position, she couldn’t seem to get hired. I could have told her that is because for-profit organizations have little to no respect for non-profit. 

     So, here I was, a Director of Finance for a non-profit organization. Great! Worse for me was that I had spent almost 10 years working non-profit. The MOST stressful job I have ever had was this one. Now I was no longer in that position, I knew I needed to do something different. And quickly, before I found myself on the wrong side of my second biggest fear!

     I spent far too much time trying to figure out what was the difference between me and the former HR Manager that ended up living in her car. It clearly wasn’t education. She wasn’t beaten down by society and clearly didn’t have a drug problem based on her clarity and positivity. Where does God figure into the equation? I’m not more deserving than the unhoused. 

     Clearly, looking at the pandemic of unhoused people, this is a huge problem and not only not easily solved but also multi-layered. To fix the problem it will have to be fixed layer by layer. This will take time. A much longer time that it took for this pandemic to take hold of Canada and the US. And this pandemic is far more costly and devastating to the entire population, those afflicted and those who are immune. 

     I am reminded of a mantra that was shared with me back when I was attempting to sell RESPs for a living. “Feel a fear and do it anyway.” Ultimately, the fear will likely always be there and the only thing I can do is to continue on in the best way I can. One foot in front of the other.